I have noticed as of late that I have somehow, slowly and inconspicuously, managed to find my own life again, without Rich’s presence. Most days, I don’t even think about him anymore. I have found that I have much more pep in my step, optimism about the future and, in general, a very real feeling that everything is going to be okay. More than okay, actually. Pretty fucking great is more like it. It is a wonderful, wonderful way to feel, especially after being blindsided and devastated about the breakup back in August. I have gone from feeling lost and lonely to angry at him to nonchalant about the breakup to actually feeling a bit perky (some days) about it. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel his loss, and I know underneath it all I have a lot of anger and resentment about the way he handled things and the way he treated me during our relationship (and the way I let him handle the relationship). I don’t believe I’m completely out of the woods when it comes to the negative feelings associated with this breakup. But most of the time, I don’t think about him. I think about me. Instead of thinking about how I can help him and better his life and what we’re going to do together this weekend or next month, I think about how I can help myself, how I can better my own life and about how I want to spend my time. I’m free as a bird and getting to know myself again. It is glorious. Despite the growing pains it took to get here.
I think about the last few months, and I see how much I have accomplished and how much time and effort and energy I have put into taking care of myself, and I’m truthfully so proud of myself. Instead of moping around about some guy that in all honesty couldn’t even take care of his own emotional needs, let alone mine, I’ve really put my energy into healing myself and moving forward in my life, and it feels so, so good. I feel more emotionally healthy that I have in a long time, and I am so thankful for that. I’ve tried new things like yoga and meditation, taken steps to empower myself like taking myself out to dinner and sightseeing alone, gone on some incredible, though short, trips to Seattle, Olympic National Park, Salem and the White Mountains of New Hampshire. I’ve gone backpacking, ran a 5K, gone on some new, cool hikes, reconnected with friends, visited family, read several books, explored new intellectual concepts and consistently kept up with my lap swimming (even though it’s not always easy to convince myself to jump into a cold pool in the middle of the day). I truly believe it’s only going to get better from here.
In fact, I have a pretty exciting announcement to make! After almost three and a half years at my current position at an entertainment communications firm, I am taking a leap and trying out a new job at an international environmental non-profit organization that is based in DC. I’ll be working as a media specialist supporting their oceans department. I’ve been passionate about environmental issues for as long as I can remember, and even studied abroad during college to learn about marine biology, so this should be a good move for me. I hope so anyway! Fingers crossed, I might even get to do some traveling for work!
Anyway, I know that I could be feeling very differently this holiday season. Christmas tends to make people emotional and vulnerable and I have certainly been there. But I just had a weekend of being around amazing people, playing volleyball outside in 60 degree weather (in New England in December!), sipping beers and mulled wine, decorating Christmas cookies and in general having a phenomenal time. All I can really say is that in this moment, I am so grateful for what I have and have overcome, and happiness has come knocking on my door once again. Not only am I answering, I am hugging the fluff out of it.